In the beginning, I knew. I was born female. I was born into a male body. I don’t remember coming to this conclusion. I just knew. Things being what they were at the time, it never occurred to me that my situation was not truly mine, but a gift from a society that did not know, and did not want to know. Sadly, things are still not that much different.
In that “truth”, I tried to play by the “rules”, and the “roles”. Every moment of my conscious existence was an exercise in futility. A battle between who I was, and who I thought I needed to be. At times, the battle lines seemed to be drawn between me, and the God who created me.
For 48 years, I struggled. The woman on the inside of me lay dormant, like a seed awaiting the springtime. Unable to grow in the absence of light. And the woman on the inside of me fought for her very life. Forced into the shadows. Desperately yearning for the light. The ever increasing torment leading to a new truth: Death would come, and the pain would finally end.
When things became so bad that I just couldn’t take it anymore, I decided to pursue the woman of my soul. Enter the light. By the grace of God, through the love of many, in the moment that waited a lifetime, I was born. “God, bless your daughter, for the faith she has shown in you.” These are the words I heard in the moment of my birth, as Stephanie took communion for the very first time.
In the last three years, Stephanie has experienced life. She is no longer bound by the leashes of society. The tethers are cut by the need for the human soul to reach into the realm of truth, and the subsequent inability to ever return to a world of delusion and denial.
The truth. God’s truth. I am a woman. I did not become a woman. I have always been a woman. I stopped pretending to be a man. When I stopped pretending to be someone else, I began to discover the woman who was always there.
Today, my soul reaches into the unknown with the innocence of a child, and the faith that comes from having seen the difference between fighting God, and surrendering to God. There is no tomorrow. Only today. And in this day, if I breathe the air of womanhood, and I walk in the light, I live in my soul. See it shine.
I have been blessed with a gift. The same precious gift that most 3-year old girls have. It is mine. And I will keep it to myself until I find the one with whom I will share all of me.
In the meantime, I stand in the living room turning circles, twirling around like a little girl. For in my soul, this is who I am. After all, I have only been alive for a precious three years.